The Raging, Savage, Wild Leopard Who Loved Me
by PenguinClassicsII
Summary: A steamily sensual parody of fifty shades of grey...
1. Chapter 1

Ana stood outside of the tallest skyscraper in midtown east, a turgid tribute to the rapidly expanding cat litter company which it housed. Two enormous sculptures flanked its awesome girth. They were round and brown, like cat litter. But cat litter was the last thing on Ana's mind as she whispered desperately into the phone, "Don't leave me Stephen."

"I have to babe," a male voice crackled back.

"But why," wailed Ana, "what's wrong with me?"

"It's not you," said Stephen, "It's Miranda. She's hot. She's got huge…." Ana hung up.

Or rather, the phone slipped from her hands and shattered on the hot concrete, just like her heart. She imagined Stephen, arms bulging around Miranda - the busty blonde waitress who worked at the Applebee's he ate at every Friday night – as they locked in a passionate embrace.

"I want to be blonde," said Ana. She picked up a lock of her own hair, a horrible auburn curtain of smooth glistening locks. A tear slipped from her fiery emerald eyes. Ana wasn't just crying because she wasn't blonde. In addition to her horribly long and slender legs, Ana had a pair of tiny – small for a winter melon large for a grapefruit – breasts.

Experimentally, Ana cupped those breasts, eyeing herself in a nearby restaurant window. Just as she was imagining what they would look like after plastic surgery – maybe two to three cup sizes larger – a man ran right into her.

"Hey," Ana started to say, but the word died on her lips as she rested her eyes on an incredibly tall, obviously virile older man in a dark gray suit. He didn't swell with muscles like Stephen. No, this man's muscles rippled with a dark and potent undulation. Ana had a sudden vision of him tearing off his obviously Italian suit and racing buck naked down the concrete jungle of Manhattan like a wild, raging leopard in pursuit of prey. _Her_.

Ana swayed. She bumped right into his hard - so hard! – chest. He didn't make a sound. She looked up. His muscular lips were twisted in a wry, amused smile.

His eyes were chocolate brown, like cat litter. Cat litter! She was late to her interview. Ana gasped – the man still had not said anything – and pausing only to cast one long lingering glance back over her shoulder, sped into the tower that was known everywhere as the pulsing center of the cat litter industry.

….

Ana couldn't remember the position she was interviewing for. She sat in a boardroom decorated with posters of various types of cat litter. Her favorite was clay-based, non-clumping. Clumping was gross. She wondered if a dog would be able to pee on cat litter. She fiddled with the range of multicolored pencils she brought to every interview. At least she came prepared.

She frowned as she remembered that she had forgotten to print out a copy of her resume, or wear a suit. No matter. She tore down a poster and folded it so it was the size of a large resume. She started to write down some of her qualifications. Even though she was klutzy, she was also very resourceful.

She was in the middle of writing "very good at folding" when the door slammed open. Her neck tingled, like a lamb sensing a wolf, like a deer sensing a lion, like a fly sensing the faint woosh of a fly swatter. It was the man.

His suit was a different color, a deep magenta. That was odd. Did he change into a new suit every time he felt a new emotion? Like a mood ring? She felt sure that his emotions must be deep, dark, brooding.

"Why should I make you my executive assistant?" he asked. His voice reverberated from his manly throat in a growl that made her quiver with its every vibration. She immediately forgot what he said.

"I fired my last executive assistant when she got fat," he said. "I gave her a week to lose weight. When she came back she was even fatter! She used to be so hot," he continued wistfully. Ana's back stiffened.

"Was she blonde?" asked Ana. The man stopped talking, staring at her in shock.

"Yes," he admitted.

"I bet all your other executive assistants were blonde too!" Ana shook with barely suppressed rage. He crossed the room with just two gazelle like strides and gazed down at her, respect dawning in his eyes.

"You are very perceptive," he said. Ana gazed down at her hands.

"I'm not blonde," she whispered. She looked up. Their eyes locked. Ana knew instinctively that whoever blinked first would lose, but his eyelids were just as muscular as the dark planes of his cheeks. Still without blinking, he blew at a gentle puff of air across her cheek. Some spit flew into her eye. It watered. She blinked rapidly.

"See you next Monday," he whispered. Then, before she could respond he left. She collapsed on top of her cat litter poster, her body spent from the coursing emotions raging inside her.

….

An hour later, Ana emerged still clutching the poster and full of questions about this dark and mysterious man. How did his suit change color? Why was he hiring secretaries? When he said that he'd see her on Monday, which Monday was he talking about?

Something wet dribbled onto her ankle. Startled, Ana looked down and saw a tiny brown dog, shaped like a hot water bottle. It started to lick down her foot, panting. Picking it up, Ana stared into chocolate brown eyes. She realized she was holding the tiniest Chihuahua she'd ever seen. Although her apartment didn't allow pets, Ana realized she had to keep it. But first, it needed a name.

"Fergie," she said. She was pretty sure it was a girl.


	2. Chapter 2

At 6'3", Christian Grey is not a small man. Not in the slightest, he thought with grim satisfaction as he surveyed himself in the full-body mirror in his personal office. He flexed his muscles experimentally and watched in pleasure as golden, sun-kissed skin pulled taut over the rock-hard boulders that perched on his arm. Except for...

Unbidden, an image of his rival Stephen arose in his head. The man was 6'5" and if his muscles were boulders, well, Stephen's were probably...

He wracked his brain for something bigger than boulders. Elephants? Whales? Mega-boulders? Either way, just the thought of the man made him glower moodily at his reflection. Bitch. Even though his mother had forbidden him from using that work, it sprang rebelliously into his mind, like a whinnying war horse.

"Something the matter babe?" Martha...or was it Margaret?...muttered from beneath him, interrupting his train of thought. Actually, it came out more like, "Oim in a atha abe?" on account of the fact that her mouth was full of his engorged, throbbing manhood.

"No," he snapped testily, "Keep going." God, this girl was dumb as a doorknob. Even though she was one of those blonde, bountifully-breasted girls that he preferred, she obviously didn't know when to stop talking. _Unless, _a tiny, yipping, and peculiarly high voice whispered in his mind, _you like auburn-haired girls with fiery emerald eyes. _Unbidden, an image of the new secretary from the afternoon interview arose in his mind. She had been clumsy, it's true, but he had found it strangely adorable and heart-warming.

And unlike the present girl going at his voluptuous carrot like a voracious velociraptor, she had been resourceful. He had seen her quickly scrawling the beginnings of her resume on a piece of what had once been a 20x30 poster of natural and bio-degradable cat litter.

Very resourceful indeed. What was her name again? Martha...or was it Margaret...? No, Amy?

He looked down at the blonde bombshell still desperately going at it. To his dismay, he could feel his meat puppet wilting limply away like a dandelion against noxious weed-killer. Surprisingly, he no longer felt any attraction to the woman crouched in between his nether regions.

He sighed heavily, his black mood becoming grimmer. "Never mind, Martha," he said, "That'll be all."

The girl leaned back and wiped her mouth. "Did I do something wrong?" she asked tremulously.

"No, my dear," he drawled in his most sardonic voice, "I just need you to get out. I have to _think._" Thinking always made him tired.

"Yes, sir," she stammered as she shamefully gathered her clothes about her. She paused at the doorway, her mouth slightly agape as if she was about to say something.

"Well?" he growled, "What is it?"

"Crystal."

"What was that?"

"My name is Crystal," she wailed. He could hear her sobbing loudly as she ran down the hallway.

He sat back in his chair and massaged his temples. Well, at least he had been close. Unbidden, an image of the sexy new secretary rose in his mind. Again. Wait a minute. Did he just think that she was...sexy?

To his chagrin, he could feel his dying daisy rising once again. His memory of the new secretary - Maggie was it? - glowed like how the morning sun would glint on her auburn hair. What if she had just taken off that cute little sweater she had on? Would he have been able to restrain himself from leaping straight out of his chair and ravishing her? Before he could help himself, Christian Grey felt himself clench and release, spurting his fertile man juices all over his new leather chair.

Christian Grey gasped in horror. He hadn't meant to activate his curse so early when the workday wasn't even half over yet. Luckily, he was just the CEO, so no one would notice if he was gone. He only had one minute before his wretched curse overtook him.

Throwing himself across the table, he hastily scribbled a note on his executive notepad before he would forget: _Get new chair. _He had barely dotted the period before the pen flew out of his hand as they shrunk into delicate, brown paws.

_This, _Christian Grey thought passionately, _When will this end?_ He had only managed to spit out a "Curses!" before it ended in a yip. He fell onto his haunches as he felt the sinews on his shoulders and hips tightening. His canines lengthened as well as his nose. Suddenly everything in his office looked much closer and smelled stronger. He sniffed his chair experimentally and recoiled. The sweet, yet masculine, smell overwhelmed his senses.

Ever since he hit puberty, this beast had haunted his nightmares. He learned the hard way when he brought his first girlfriend home. He still remembered that short spurt of pleasure, followed by her screams of terror as he devolved into this slavish animal.

A Chihuahua.

If only it had been a powerful animal like a leopard. Or even a walrus. At least they had tusks. But his family's curse, as he later found out from his father, was that every time a male member released their seed, they would turn into a Chihuahua.

In the end, they had to erase his ex-girlfriend's memories. His teenage heart had irrevocably broke in two. Ever since then, he had vowed to never fall in love again.

Christian Grey nimbly leaped down from his desk. It was a great height for his size but due to years of practice, he was able to do it as gracefully as any Olympic gymnast. Activating the secret doggy tunnels that he had publicly installed three days ago, he silently slipped out of the building.

...

Christian Grey sniffed (as dogs are wont to do) as he emerged into the cold air. He caught whiffs of a sweet, alluring scent. In an almost hypnotic haze, he followed his nose until he bumped into a long, shapely, and slender panty-hosed leg. He didn't know why but he could feel his manhood aching and throbbing with longing. He looked up to find himself engulfed in two large, deep, emerald pools.

It was the secretary he had interviewed this morning. Helen was it?

"Fergie," she said, with great conviction.

He looked around for the famous singer but couldn't find her anywhere. It dawned on him that this woman had just named _him._

_But I'm a boy, _he thought as she picked him up.


	3. Chapter 3

Note: Hey all! Thanks for reading our story so far. If you have time, any reviews/constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated!

There was something odd about Christian Grey, almost as strange as Fergie, who wasn't eating and disappeared in the morning. But most importantly, Christian Grey brooded, deeply and darkly. Ana also noticed short brown tufts of fur on the sumptuous velvet carpet of his office, which she often reclined on while taking notes on a poster. Today she lay in her favorite spot as Christian Grey paced barefoot around his desk, leaving dark animalistic footprints in the blood red carpet.

"Cat litter," he said, "makes the world go round." Ana drew the outline of a cat on the poster and colored it in. Then she drew a circle, to represent roundness.

"Without cat litter," Christian continued, "we'd have no cats. Without cats we'd have no economy. Without an economy we'd have no ecosystem." He glared down at her, powerfully mastering her body with one piercing gaze. "Without an ecosystem," he continued, "we'd have no clay. Without clay we'd have no cat litter." Ana drew some smaller circles, to represent cat litter. Working as Christian Grey's secretary was exhausting, but she felt a thrill of passion as she listened to Christian's quietly whispered speech about the cat litter industry, of which he was the undisputed, silently potent captain.

Laying her head on the carpet in exhaustion, she breathed in a single brown hair and coughed. She didn't understand why Christian's office was always covered in tiny hairs. The hairs on Christian's own head were also brown, but luscious and wavy, like newly deposited cat litter. She drew another picture of a cat, then another, only larger. She looked at the picture, considering. She felt that it must be connected to Christian, somehow. In the background, as she thought, Christian droned on and on.

Christian had unusual habits. In the mornings he'd call one of his busty blonde employees – she wasn't really sure what they did – into his office. In a few minutes she'd slam open the door with her hair in disarray, often crying. Frequently, as the door swung shut behind the busty blonde, Ana could hear tiny yips of pleasure. As the only non-blonde woman in the office, Ana felt superior. She would never let herself be in such a compromising position.

But that wasn't the only strange thing about Christian. She often found him by the coffee machine, crouched strangely, watching it rumble with wide fascinated eyes. There was something bestial about the way he squatted, like something wild in him was tightly coiled, waiting to strike. At these times, Ana offered to make his coffee for him, but it was something he always insisted on doing himself.

By all appearances, Christian Grey was just a man, a menacing virile man hungering for the full dominance of the cat litter industry and all its spoils, but a man nonetheless. However, Ana was certain he must be more. One day, when he had left his office to attend a meeting about a new threat to the cat litter business, newspapers, Ana borrowed his computer and turned on the internet. Using google, she began to investigate his symptoms.

She typed the word "shapeshifter" and then recoiled in shock as she grasped the full weight of the truth before her. It was undeniable – the hairs, the crouching. The real question, the one she had yet to answer, still tortured her mind. What did he turn into?

The office door slammed open and Christian Grey strode in. She was immediately enveloped in a heavy cloud of cologne, and something she knew now to be his natural animal musk. He narrowed his eyes in wolf-like anger.

"What are you doing at my desk," he demanded. He loomed over her like a towering grizzly bear eyeing a tempting trash can. She quivered in his shadow, but tried to be brave.

"I know what you are," she said. Her tiny breasts, straining against her C cup bra, heaved up and down as she gasped in terror. He stopped and whirled around so his broad muscular back was facing her.

"Say it," he demanded, "What am I?" Even with his back turned to her she could sense the menacing anger in his eyes.

"I can't," she whispered. He spun around, his hands balled into fists, which he then used to pound on the table.

"SAY IT!" he screamed. Her mind stopped. She couldn't think. What did she google again? Something about cat litter? But then, in a sudden burst of clarity, she remembered.

"Leopard," she said. He paused.

"Come again?" he said.

"Leopard," she repeated. His shoulders slumped. He was clearly devastated that with only a simple google she had discovered his secret. Suddenly, she was enveloped in his manly embrace.

"Oh Ana," he growled into her hair, "how could you love a monster like me?" She gazed up at him, confused.

"But I don't love you," she pointed out. Christian Grey ignored her.

"You are a lamb," he said, "a lamb that fell in love with me, a great big manly lion." He crushed her with his meaty biceps and Ana squirmed against him, slightly uncomfortable.

"But I thought you were a leopard," she said. Christian's hot breath against her neck was making her ear itch.

"Yes yes," he said, "I am a leopard, a dangerous _manly_ leopard." He pressed passionate open mouthed kisses against her hair. Flecks of spittle dotted her face as he accidentally inhaled strands of her auburn hair into his mouth and began to shake his head, spitting pieces of her hair back out of his mouth.

"I'm dangerous," he said, "I could kill you in my natural form. But I won't, because I love you." That didn't sound too appealing to Ana, but at the same time, she felt a blossoming, hesitant thrill of lust. Tentatively, she brushed her nails against his chest and began to trace the buttons of his silk blouse downward. Although she was a complete innocent, her hands felt perfectly natural pressed against his mysterious love trail. Suddenly, Christian jerked away.

"Get out," he panted. She gaped at him. Flinging open the door, he pushed her back out into the hallway. As the door slammed shut behind her, she heard emanating from behind the door a faint and satisfied _yip_.


	4. Chapter 4

Christian Gray gasped in pleasure at his bittersweet release. To his disgust, it came out as a yip. That was close. The new secretary had nearly discovered his closely-guarded secret. Instead of a leopard, he kind of wish that she had picked out another animal, like a rhinoceros, but it was good enough for now.

Speaking of secrets, Christian realized that he had nearly forgotten about the mandatory shape-shifting convention being held in Oklahoma. It was where the Association of Shape-Shifters gave out two-day missions to all the shape-shifters to make the world a better place. He gave a tiny whine of distress. That meant that he would have to leave his new secretary for two whole days by herself. Christian felt all of the testosterone drain out of his body at this thought. He remembered the feeling of her small, soft hands against his hard, manly chest, and felt the testosterone rushing back.

Christian suddenly realized that the convention started tonight and that he probably should book a plane ticket pronto. Unfortunately, however, he was still stuck in his chihuahuan body. He would have to wait another hour before he could turn back into a human.

1 hour later...

Christian turned back into a human and hastily dressed himself. He strode powerfully over to the door and slammed it open.

"Secretary!" he roared, "Book me a ticket to Idaho!" Little specks of spittle flew from his mouth and landed on her seductively surprised face.

"But - " she whispered.

"No buts!" he shouted. Unbidden, an image of her round, unclothed rump appeared in his mind. He could feel himself harden but struggled to deflate himself before she could see the effect that she had on his body.

Seeing an opening, the new secretary took her chance. "I thought it was in Oklahoma," she whispered timidly.

"That's exactly what I said," Christian said commandingly, even though it was not exactly what he said. No matter. As CEO, Christian couldn't be bothered with the small details.

"Yes sir," the new secretary murmured, eyes wide. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights. A sexy deer that was. Christian couldn't help but notice her abundant bosom rising and falling in time as she breathed heavily through her nose. A droplet of sweat silkily slid down her neck into the deep abyss of her cleavage. He smirked. He knew that she wanted...that.

In two medium-but-on-the-larger-side-of-medium-sized steps, he was at her side. He slid his hand around her cheek and watched in pleasure as she shivered. "Don't worry," he said huskily, "I'll come back for you."

"Y-yes," she stammered. "I mean it's only two - "

He silenced her plump, red lips with one finger. "I know what you want." He could hear her panting and smirked smugly. He slowly trailed a finger from the hollow of her neck to her cleavage and whispered hotly into her ear, "I'll even bring you a souvenir. That's a promise and real men never break their promises."

Her probably-virgin mouth parted slightly against his finger. Oh, how he just wanted to ravish those lips until he could hear them moaning in pleasure. He thought he would burst, but he had to hold it in! He couldn't afford to change back into a chihuahua twice in a day. With a growl, he leaped away from her in a single, fluid, graceful, gazelle-like motion.

"See to it that you book that ticket immediately, Amanda," he said roughly.

"Ana," she said.

"Eh?" he said.

"My name is Ana," she said glaring at him.

Against, his better judgment, Christian felt a pang of respect for Ana and felt himself begin to harden. No girl has ever dared to correct him on anything before. And she was smart, smarter than the average women he knew. Somehow, she had caught on that he was a shape-shifter, even though she had chosen the wrong animal for him. But he was also confused. He was Christian Gray, and the old Christian Gray would never even think about respecting a woman. His rising manhood wavered, trapped between the two thoughts.

"Sir," Ana said, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine!" he bellowed. He turned abruptly around and strode into his office, slamming the door.

...

At the convention, Christian marveled at how quickly his new secretary - Ana, he reminded himself - had managed to book his tickets. Given all of her other responsibilities, it was amazing that she had managed to find his tickets in just three measly hours.

He stopped in his tracks, brows furrowed. _I wonder,_he thought, _what all of her other responsibilities are._He couldn't remember what was said during her interview, but he was sure that she had a lot. Perhaps he should lighten her load by hiring another secretary to help her with the work.

A dark, muscular man brushed by him, sending him flying into the wall.

"Hey!" Christian shouted, "Watch your ste -" The words died in his throat as the man turned around. It was Stefan, his arch-nemesis.

"Hey there Christian," Stefan said lazily. He had two, curvy blondes on either side clutching onto his rock-like biceps. A third one was clinging onto one of his shapely calves, sobbing loudly. Christian could barely make out the words 'don't', 'leave', and 'me'. He wondered what that meant.

"Sorry about that. I just can't seem to get these girls off of me," Stefan said, although his ironic smirk indicated otherwise.

"You're an asshole, Stefan," Christian said.

Stefan's face darkened in rage. "You'll regret saying that to me," he threatened. Christian watched his retreating back with disdain. Stefan may be bigger than Christian, but Christian was smarter and had better comebacks.

He made his way down to the council room, where the Association was waiting to give him his mission.

"Christian Gray," the Chair called out.

"Yes sir."

"You are to go to the forests of Burma and rescue a girl who has been captured by the local tribe," the Chair intoned, "Your partner will be...Stefan."

Christian's dick wilted.


	5. Chapter 5

Ana was learning how to use email. Christian's absence had burned a hole of longing and deep dark agony into her life and she needed a way to continue that instant fiery connection their souls had forged when he swept her up in an impassioned kiss right before leaping gracefully through the security line as TSA officials followed in hot pursuit.

_Show me your leopard_, she typed before hitting send. A second later her phone buzzed. Christian had emailed her back!

PinkPanda to HotHamster

_Tara, check this out_. _Ana hasn't seen Christian's leopard yet_.

Ana felt confused. Who was Tara? Her phone buzzed again.

HotHamster to PinkPanda

_Omigod poor her, she's missing out. It's soooo big. I think it's cause she isn't blonde._

Ana's eyes welled up with tears and also confusion. Was Christian referring to himself in the third person? Was Tara his inner goddess? Scrolling up she realized that she had accidentally emailed Tara, one of the busty blondes that decorated Christian's office. Christian had never even received her email. Instead, she was being cyber bullied!

But she would rise above the abuse. Instead of engaging in the demeaning verbal fray she would instead fly over to Christian and demand that he silence the sea of busty minions out to besmirch her reputation. Utilizing the new skills she had gained while booking the tickets for Christian's flight - a long and exhausting but ultimately successful process if the look of respect in Christian's eyes was any indication – she booked tickets for herself to that very same conference. Clutching the phone to her chest, Ana wondered briefly where Fergie had disappeared to, before falling in a deep, contented, but ultimately Christian-less sleep.

….

The flight was longer than she thought and booking the tickets was challenging. She had forgotten how she had booked the tickets for Christian so that took another three hours. So after landing at Yangon International Airport and yanking her luggage off the baggage claim, she was very relieved to finally be in Idaho. A very nice man had helped her load the luggage into his car and dropped her off at a forest, promising her that Christian would be along any second. He agreed to keep her luggage for her, but she insisted on keeping her phone. She wrote Christian another email.

_I'm here. _

She also snapped a picture of the dirt and attached it so that Christian would be able to find her. She was going to explore the neighboring trees. It was hot so she peeled off her shirt and stood only in her bra. She shivered imaging Christian finding her there, quivering half naked among the trees, like a pale shiny antelope. A bead of sweat dribbled down one tiny breast and she shivered again. It was as if she could sense Christian's magnetic pulsing presence. It called to her like a sex siren. Her phone buzzed. She looked and nearly fainted dead away.

PinkPanda to HotHamster

_I mean seriously, why does he even keep her around?_

HotHamster to PinkPanda

_Ermygward, IKR? Her boobs are like sooo tiny. _

PinkPanda to HotHamster

_I mean Christian LOVES big boobs. It's like his fav. _

Ana couldn't read further. The phone slipped from her grasp and would've shattered like it did when Stephan dumped her for a much larger breasted woman so long ago but since it was the forest, it only landed with a wet squelch on some moss. Ana felt like curling up around that moss and watering the moist ground with her tears. Maybe from her pain, a white rose would grow and it would be immortalized in a beautiful story about her struggle. Ana felt almost cheered up at the thought but she forced the happiness back down.

A twig crackled in the brush behind her. Ana whirled around her heart pounding in fear and exhilaration. It was Christian Gray!

It wasn't.

Ana stared in horror at the dark, indigenous faces that suddenly surrounded her. With a sudden flash of realization, she realized that instead of landing in Ohio, she must've instead stumbled into a different world, where strange dangerous tribes lurked. One of the sinister faces was partially shadowed by a baseball cap sporting an ominous Nike swoosh symbol. Another fearsome tribe member wore an "I 3 NY" t-shirt, which he had no doubt ripped off of some poor shrieking tourist as she lay thrashing in the mud. Immediately, Ana ripped off her heels and brandished them in front of her face.

"Get away from me," she screamed. She waved the shoe back and forth, but she wasn't worried. She knew that in a few minutes Christian Gray would come and lay waste to this horrifying tribe clearly intent on kidnapping her for mysterious nefarious reasons.

"Hey lady," said one of the tribesmen (gutturally, she thought), "what are you doing here?" Ana shivered in fear, only just beginning to comprehend the danger that she was in. She wondered if the scent of her fear pheromones would draw Christian Gray closer to her. Surreptitiously, she stuck out her chest so that Christian Gray would have more fear hormones to work with. She was nothing if not resourceful.

"Hey," said another tribesman, "can you talk?" He waved a hand in front of her face. She was comatose in fright, stuck in the faintly suggestive yet life saving pose she had adopted mere seconds before.

"Ted," said a voice from the back, "do you think we should take her to the hospital or something?"

Another voice gaffawed in the background, "why, whose gonna pay the bills?"

Ana's body began to tremble in a tsunami of fear at the mention of payment. She knew that in the dark dangerous wilderness of the forest, it could only mean one thing. A SACRIFICE

** Hey all, if you liked our story so far please favorite or leave a review. We enjoy reading all comments/critiques :)


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